patch 4

Moving Forward

cw: mental health, trauma (undetailed until further investigations)

hello. as you've probably noticed, i am fairly offline, as of late.

if you are here because i've left your server or removed you as a friend, i would be happy if you read all of this.

i am also writing this in an hour, as i feel a properly written statement would take more time than i can handle the pressure.

after years of heavy mental health problems, i've decided to step out of most of the online sphere. long story short, i am stepping away from content creation, online activity, etc... i have indeed left and/or removed places and/or people, for my own sake.

here are the reasons why. these are obviously abridged and details will be laid out at a later time. this is also greatly lightened, for the sake of readability.


College and IRL

in september of 2023, i've made it into engineering school! it has been incredibly fun so far. since then, my online activity has been... sparce, to say the least? many things to do over there... classes, parties, club activity, club management, administrative...

...but also just living on my own. leaving your parents' house is certainly a jump, especially for someone like myself who had been "terminally online" in short terms.

the most reasonable reason for this choice is that i simply do not have the time for online things as much. it is certainly fun at times, however my energy has drastically been reduced since 2020, and i do not want this pressure anymore.

Thrice, to ∞

between 2020 and 2023, i've been mislead and manipulated by three different people online, to greater or lesser extents, and includes emotional and sexual subjects. this has led to a complete incapacity for trust regarding online people, moreover following various mental health problems, such as depression, over-working...

as i have not processed any of the three encounters very well, neither have i processed the other things that have happened in between, the pressure has accumulated and has recently exploded into... well. whatever this is.

it is for me infinitely difficult to talk about these encounters. especially since i cannot call someone out with going through delivering proof. it is currently unclear for me whether i would like to even call these people out.

moreover, these encounters and this mental health has led me to realise that for one, i have become insufferable to some of my friends and ex-friends. for two, that it makes me do things that i otherwise wouldn't do, under panic or under being completely lost.

i will be eventually talking about all of this in a follow-up post, "Coming Forward", and giving far more details than i am doing here.


Changing for the comfortabl-er & Non-binarity

this is more or less the yyna patch log. lol

first of all, online isn't really my priority anymore, and as such i will be answering message *much* slower. to this day, opening discord is still a big factor of anxiety, and removing people/servers is something that i hope will help me on the long term. growing out of the trauma related to things that happened on discord is a hard and long process, and being constantly reminded of some of the things related to it just hurts or stresses me.

additionally, i am slowly steering into non-binary territory. this is really personal so i will not develop, but gender rules give me a lot of anxiety, from the whole concept of "passing" to generally how people see you. i would rather just not care how people gender me, at this point in time. however, gender identity is never fixed and i will not hesitate to change if i would like to again. i know this worries a lot of people, so if you would like to be sure to refer to me properly, without relying on which gender i feel like being today, use they or it. ^ ^

Stepping Down & Anonymity

concerning online activities, i am stepping down from the following:

  • the minecraft podcast: possibly will come back to it at some point.
  • YTPMV: some of yous are real ones, that being said.
  • streaming: i thought that was obvious already.
  • various online events and communities
  • youtube, sans music related videos (nginx410 will keep going for instance)
  • hosting the random.choice tourney: as participants are ghosting me

that being said, i will absolutely allow myself to come back or do a one-of event if comes the energy, motivation and ideas for them. (especially YTPMV. that thing never leaves your brain when it enters. nobody quits everyone always comes back hahah)

concerning removing people, you've either made me uncomfortable in the past or we haven't talked for a while. i'd like to think it is likelier that it is the first option. there is of course nothing personal, i am just taking action for myself and to help myself feel better in a new environment that i prefer.

Closing thoughts

i would also like to apologize to anyone i've hurt. i am ready to take responsability, even for actions i've done without much self-control, or with impulsive anger. please feel free to reach out if you would like to talk about it, moving on is part of our lives and communication is the best way to resolve most things.

Sophie out. o7